the shame of not being “normal”

Since yesterday’s posts were pretty sad, I should probably update that I am all right now! The anxiety attack passed in about 3 hours or so.

In that 3 hours, I made the decision to confront my anxiety problems more actively. I signed up at a support group website (although my first attempt at talking to someone was a disaster – more on that another time), I checked out counselling services at my university and, most importantly, I told my boyfriend about it.

The last one was the toughest. It made me quite shameful and silly to tell someone that I was having an anxiety attack and I might get proper help for it. I felt like I was a weak and unstable person, because normal people aren’t like this. I was so sorry that he couldn’t have had a normal girlfriend, and that he had to deal with issues like this. Who wants to deal with it if they have the choice? And that went to the core of it – I was scared that he would leave me. Because I love him so much and I didn’t want him to decide that he did not sign up for this.

I remember when we first started dating, he said he likes emotionally stable girls, and I have been anything but. I want to go back to being the amazing girl he fell for but I can’t. I always try so hard yet fall short, and I have this deep fear that I will lose him because I’m not all that great.

I know the logical thing to say here is that no one is perfect, no one stays “amazing” forever, that everyone has flaws and I should, in any case, be with someone who would stick with me through these personal issues. However, thinking logically has never been a problem for me. I have always known the logical answer. Feeling logically, on the other hand, is a whole other ball game. Knowing all these things does not make me feel any better. I am still scared.

When he replied my messages, the first thing he said was, “It’s not silly if it is important to you.” Oh I cried. But dear, will you be here forever? I know I am still in control of the situation though. I can get these anxiety and hypochondria problems fixed – or at least get them under much better control – I only hope you will forgive me for being the person I am before that.

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