scrambled brain

It’s just one of those days where my mind insists no matter how hard I try to ignore it that there must be something wrong with me. That some disease or illness is lurking beneath my skin. Hypochondriac thoughts, begone!

I think the problem with being told to worry less and appreciate life more, is that appreciating life more makes me even more scared that I will lose it all! SIGH.

Come on, I CAN DO THIS.

(I did not update my journal about it, but last week I woke up at 7.30am with a badly twitching upper eyelid. When to the doctor and was talked down to in such a condescending tone that it was completely harmless. She could have told me the same thing without being so rude. Good thing was, it went away in another hour or so. No idea why it happened.)

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the shame of not being “normal”

Since yesterday’s posts were pretty sad, I should probably update that I am all right now! The anxiety attack passed in about 3 hours or so.

In that 3 hours, I made the decision to confront my anxiety problems more actively. I signed up at a support group website (although my first attempt at talking to someone was a disaster – more on that another time), I checked out counselling services at my university and, most importantly, I told my boyfriend about it.

The last one was the toughest. It made me quite shameful and silly to tell someone that I was having an anxiety attack and I might get proper help for it. I felt like I was a weak and unstable person, because normal people aren’t like this. I was so sorry that he couldn’t have had a normal girlfriend, and that he had to deal with issues like this. Who wants to deal with it if they have the choice? And that went to the core of it – I was scared that he would leave me. Because I love him so much and I didn’t want him to decide that he did not sign up for this.

I remember when we first started dating, he said he likes emotionally stable girls, and I have been anything but. I want to go back to being the amazing girl he fell for but I can’t. I always try so hard yet fall short, and I have this deep fear that I will lose him because I’m not all that great.

I know the logical thing to say here is that no one is perfect, no one stays “amazing” forever, that everyone has flaws and I should, in any case, be with someone who would stick with me through these personal issues. However, thinking logically has never been a problem for me. I have always known the logical answer. Feeling logically, on the other hand, is a whole other ball game. Knowing all these things does not make me feel any better. I am still scared.

When he replied my messages, the first thing he said was, “It’s not silly if it is important to you.” Oh I cried. But dear, will you be here forever? I know I am still in control of the situation though. I can get these anxiety and hypochondria problems fixed – or at least get them under much better control – I only hope you will forgive me for being the person I am before that.

how anxiety can make you cry for no reason

It’s also not uncommon to feel like crying before, during, or after an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks are single moments of overwhelming fear. Many people feel impending doom, as though they are about to die. As a result, they respond by crying, because that’s a natural response to a feeling of intense dread.

After an anxiety attack is over, others may find themselves stuck with these intense emotions, often about the helplessness they felt during the attack. Panic attacks are so intense, that when they’re over a feeling of needing to cry is natural and expected. Not everyone cries after anxiety attacks, but the intensity makes it natural to feel like crying.

Taken from: Calm Clinic

It makes me feel better to know that this is an anxiety attack, because many people have anxiety attacks and that also means many people cope with it. Therefore, I can cope with it.

Be strong. Be strong.

the anxiety is hitting me like a train

The worst part of hypochondria is hitting me right now. Had a bit of gastric this afternoon and couldn’t really breathe properly. I was watching a movie at the time. It was nothing I had not felt before and, as I predicted, it went away once I finally began to burp the gas out of my stomach.

However, on the train ride home, I began to suddenly have those worst worst hypochondriac thoughts where you think something is wrong with you – what if you have a disease, what if you have an illness, what if you lose your sight.

It was all I could do to not cry on the train. Once I alighted and came up to ground, I walked into the sign of a field and trees, to the sound of a crying child and singing birds. Idyllic, and it made me feel better, yet it also made me want to cry at the same time.

Held myself together while I bought dinner, walked home so I could soak in nature a bit, but began crying on the way back nonetheless. Now I’m just in my room, being a mess and crying for absolutely no reason.

I just want to be normal. Normal people don’t cry for no reason. Normal people don’t get anxiety attacks. I tried my mindfulness thoughts – I really did. But right now I just want someone to talk to. I have a ton of people I could contact right now but what do I say? “Hi I’m crying for no reason.”

This is terribly written post. But now that I’ve vomited all of that out…I feel a teeny bit better.

I WILL BE STRONG. I WILL FIGHT.