scrambled brain

It’s just one of those days where my mind insists no matter how hard I try to ignore it that there must be something wrong with me. That some disease or illness is lurking beneath my skin. Hypochondriac thoughts, begone!

I think the problem with being told to worry less and appreciate life more, is that appreciating life more makes me even more scared that I will lose it all! SIGH.

Come on, I CAN DO THIS.

(I did not update my journal about it, but last week I woke up at 7.30am with a badly twitching upper eyelid. When to the doctor and was talked down to in such a condescending tone that it was completely harmless. She could have told me the same thing without being so rude. Good thing was, it went away in another hour or so. No idea why it happened.)

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the anxiety is hitting me like a train

The worst part of hypochondria is hitting me right now. Had a bit of gastric this afternoon and couldn’t really breathe properly. I was watching a movie at the time. It was nothing I had not felt before and, as I predicted, it went away once I finally began to burp the gas out of my stomach.

However, on the train ride home, I began to suddenly have those worst worst hypochondriac thoughts where you think something is wrong with you – what if you have a disease, what if you have an illness, what if you lose your sight.

It was all I could do to not cry on the train. Once I alighted and came up to ground, I walked into the sign of a field and trees, to the sound of a crying child and singing birds. Idyllic, and it made me feel better, yet it also made me want to cry at the same time.

Held myself together while I bought dinner, walked home so I could soak in nature a bit, but began crying on the way back nonetheless. Now I’m just in my room, being a mess and crying for absolutely no reason.

I just want to be normal. Normal people don’t cry for no reason. Normal people don’t get anxiety attacks. I tried my mindfulness thoughts – I really did. But right now I just want someone to talk to. I have a ton of people I could contact right now but what do I say? “Hi I’m crying for no reason.”

This is terribly written post. But now that I’ve vomited all of that out…I feel a teeny bit better.

I WILL BE STRONG. I WILL FIGHT.

Airshow 2016

I went to see aerial displays at the national airshow today. Turning my eyes to the white, bright, cloudy sky was difficult. Not only did my eyes begin to hurt after a few minutes, but my floaters came on in full force and I began to see lots of bright stars too (the usually blue-field entoptic ones, except made worse because it was so damn bright).

I felt myself beginning to panic. All “mindfulness” tactics went out the window, but I did try to focus on the planes instead of the floaters/stars. It kind of failed when I deliberately tried to do it, but funnily enough, when it got to the really beautiful Korean “Black Eagles” display, I pretty much forgot about both without even trying! I was just staring at the formations eagerly and cheering.

Goes to show your brain really can block these out if it is distracted. After that, I forgot about them again as I went around to see the planes/helicopters. Makes me feel a lot better, in hindsight. :)

What hypochondria is like

You discover a new symptom:

  1. Try to ignore symptom.
  2. Go through a few hours/days of ignoring symptom.
  3. Fail to ignore symptom.
  4. Struggle for a few hours/days against googling the symptom.
  5. Google the symptom.
  6. Trawl through the pages until your brain settles on a sufficiently serious disease.
  7. Tell self that there is no way you have the disease.
  8. Fail at reassuring self.
  9. Try to ignore the disease for a few hours/days.
  10. Fail to ignore the disease.
  11. Cry.
  12. Panic.
  13. Repeat.

I’m trying hard to ensure the cycle doesn’t start again. For anyone that goes through the same thing, know that you are not alone. :) I will come up with more useful posts in the future about how to get over hypochondria, but right now, I’m still on the battlefield.